Full disclaimer: This is satire. Many of today’s influencers have worked extremely hard to get to where they are and have inspired many people along their journey. Social media is an incredibly useful resource, but our goal in writing this article is to caution young people that relying on being an influencer as a career choice may be a matter of luck, rather than real talent.

It’s atrocious that 13-year-olds nowadays haven’t decided what they want to do for the rest of their lives yet.

For this reason, more schools are introducing new and improved pathways in order to help appeal to the new generation.

In the past, students often chose from options like the medical pathway or the IT pathway. And while these may have been decent options, we are living in a new (and improved) generation. Who actually wants to do the hard work of a medical professional for a mere $165K?

And why make a societal contribution for a stable wage when you could potentially make millions of dollars by posting videos you made in your living room?

Thankfully, there is a new option. To appeal to the whopping 86% of Gen Z teens who told CBS News in 2019 that they were interested in becoming influencers, schools are now offering the rigorous Influencer Pathway. Now, 13-year-olds don’t have to worry about the rest of their lives.

Granted, they may have to worry for the rest of their lives. But it’s all about the fun in life, right?

Only Here for the Likes

The constant pursuit of fun is exactly what influencing entails. Being an influencer consists of frequently posting videos on social media and receiving not-so-filtered feedback from the general public on the way you look, speak, and act – but that’s one of the best parts!

After all, we all need more unwanted criticism in our lives. 

Being an influencer means that you have the blessed opportunity of not knowing when in your life you are going to make money or – you know – if you are even going to make money! According to ZipRecruiter, an influencer in 2024 can expect to make between $24k and $57k, but, like we said, it’s all about the fun. 

Influencing is becoming an increasingly popular choice for preteens everywhere, so schools have decided to take immediate action to further integrate this as a feasible career choice in the future. 

That’s what it takes to be a Kardashian, right?

The application process for the pathway is simple. Students will be asked to look the supervising teacher directly in the eye and say, “Don’t forget to like and subscribe.” Only the students who most convincingly beg for the fawning attention of strangers will be accepted.

A Noble Calling

Influencers’ roles are crucial to society, as one of their primary functions is to ‘influence’ people to change themselves and provide a form of entertainment that allows them to decrease their attention span.

If today’s students don’t start taking up the necessary work of this profession, it would be impossible to keep these cherished traditions alive. 

Keeping that in mind, school districts have delicately crafted the influencing pathway to smoothly infuse hope into children. They make sure that by the end of the pathway, students know that they don’t need to worry about other jobs because they have a “less than 1%” chance of succeeding with influencing as a full-time career.

At least that’s what a general manager of HypeAuditor, an influencer analytics company, had to say! 

Students in the influencer pathway can always expect a long day of learning at school with a wide variety of courses ranging from Trendification Studies to the History of GRWMs and even Blowing Up Overnight 101. And let’s not forget the extremely popular, How to Make a Public Apology A/B.

Such a rigorous course load will have your follower count climbing in no time.

Serious Business

Such pathways are truly invaluable as they are training a whole new generation of MrBeasts and Lily Singhs to entertain us with…well, we’re not quite sure, but it’s entertaining. 

Influencing is serious business. To succeed in the pathway, one must be extraordinarily dedicated to filming each waking second of their life, being chronically online and of course, mastering the skill of inspiring others to greatness through a 5″ by 6″ handheld rectangle!

For those who do make it…would you mind following The Bird Feed?

Also, don’t forget to click like and subscribe!